3 months! Two kids! It gets easier, right?!

As I sit and type this, both kids are asleep in their beds. This is a relatively new occurrence that has now happened a few times and goes a loooooooong way to saving my sanity. I needed this gift today. 

Hattie Bowen is 3 months old (tomorrow) already. Wtf. She’s a HAPPY baby, you guys. It’s amazing. She smiles pretty readily for basically anyone, but saves her best, biggest smiles for me and for her big brother. She talks A LOT and is happy to lay on the bed in the mornings while we get dressed, talking and cooing and squealing. It’s so adorable, I can barely stand it. She’s super strong, already has fantastic head control and likes to lock her knees and stand up tall when you hold her. This girl wants to move, and  I suspect she’ll be turning over any day now. She sleeps! And as stated above, I can put her down for naps! It’s life-changing. Yesterday, she napped in her crib for an hour and twenty minutes. Declan didn’t do that until we was over 10 months old. This past week, I’ve started consistently putting her down in her crib at night when we go to bed, too, and she generally sleeps up to an hour and a half before waking and wanting a boob. One night it was 8 minutes shy of two hours! Once she’s in bed with us, she wakes no more than 2 times and goes right back to sleep once I switch sides and pop a boob back in her mouth. She’s a feisty thing when she’s hungry; don’t make her wait to eat or else she sounds like an angry screech owl. I love her fiercely. 

Declan is truly the best big brother we could have ever hoped for. He loves his little sister so much and always wants to hug her and kiss her. It’s darling. He’s pretty good about playing independently when I need him to but is also very eager for my attention as soon as he sees I have free hands. He talks allll the time. He told me he loves me yesterday when I gave him a hug. I about died. He’s SUPER into learning letters right now so we spend a lot of time reciting the alphabet for him and he repeats each letter as we go through them. We also sing the alphabet song and read his favorite ABCs book over and over. He really likes to figure out how things work, will ask what all the parts of certain things are called and likes to tinker with things to see how parts work together. He vastly prefers to follow directions – we have a Lincoln Log set and he only ever wants to build the house that the directions help you build. My MIL built her own design yesterday, but didn’t use all the blocks, and that clearly distressed him. He’s very 2 right now in an exhausting way at play dates – there’s more shoving and throwing and hitting than I’d like as he plays with his friends and they all navigate the concept of sharing and taking turns. I’m a huge advocate of letting kids work stuff out themselves, but things get physical fast at this age and while my sensitive boy is absolutely an offender, he reacts VERY emotionally when he gets hit or pushed. It’s exhausting for me when I’m also trying to also tend to an infant and can’t necessarily be right there to assist him. Oh, my sensitive boy. Thankfully, we have an awesome community of like-minded families to hang out with and all of the mamas have been so kind in assisting both of us. He starts preschool in a couple months and I think it’s going to be so good for him for more than one reason. 

(Hattie woke up as I was writing and is now back to sleep in my arms. Not quite an hour nap in her crib – not too shabby!)

Life with two kids is intense. It’s easier is some ways than I’d imagined and harder in others. I think the hardest thing is how physically and emotionally depleted I feel. I have like ZERO capacity for anything other than keeping the kids happy and alive every day and I feel like at at any given point in the day, I’m simply longing for bedtime. I want go badly to get out and do more, but it still feels impossible with 2 and though play dates with other mamas are a GREAT option, it’s SO exhausting to get out the door, try to manage both, and then get home, generally because by then, both are screaming because they’re hungry and tired. To be perfectly frank, sometimes I question if I’m truly up for being the stay at home parent of two kids, but ultimately, I know thoughts like that are simply part of the adjustment of going from one to two kids. I feel flustered and overwhelmed pretty much all the time lately. I think it’s normal, though. And seeing how they look at each other really does make it all worth it, but I long to get back to things being bit easier again as Hattie grows.

It’s funny how quickly it all becomes your norm, even the constant state of exhaustion. People always ask me how Declan likes being a big brother and I laugh and say he adores it and that for him, it’s like Hattie has always been here. But honestly, it’s like that for me, too. It often feels odd to think he’ll have no memory of being the only child, but I didn’t think our family was quite complete before Hattie. And now it is. ❤

One month.

Whaaaaat? Already?

Hattie is pretty wonderful, you guys, not gonna lie. She’s not without her challenges, of course, but overall, she’s a keeper.

As of yesterday, 2/14, she’s 8lbs, 14oz, which is a full 2 pounds up from her birth weight. She responds to my voice with the biggest smiles and loves to watch her big brother when he talks and plays. She takes a pacifier, which has been monumentally helpful in getting her to sleep separate from the boob. I can put her down while asleep and she’ll stay in the rock n play anywhere from 30 minutes to AN HOUR. She sleeps best on me, of course, and loves being cuddled up in a ring sling to fall asleep for naps. She gives us a good 3-4 hour stretch of sleep most nights, but we often struggle in the hours before or after that with lots of fussiness, writhing, burps, farts, and spit-ups and it’s been really frustrating. We’ve started giving her gripe water before bedtime, which seems to help some. I’m really hoping it passes soon because I’m finding I have way less patience for the sleep deprivation this time around. Not that I had patience for it the first time, but I’m way faster to anger this time. Which turns to guilt like immediately. I have less patience for the newborn stage in general this time around, though. I find myself eager for her to be 18 months old already, which sounds crazy. But after only a month I long for more freedom again; I’d forgotten how limiting life with a newborn is. I know it’ll come soon enough, I’m just tired.

Haley is back to work, but just half days, so between her and our moms, I’ve yet to spend an entire day alone with both kiddos, which I’m thankful for. The few half days I have been alone have gone relatively well, but not so well that I’m super eager to do it every day yet. Haha. And the idea of venturing out of the house by myself with both kids remains a terrifying one. One of my mama friends who had her second a couple months before me said she went out to run an errand with both kids for the first time and it went so well, she ended up going on three other errands. I can’t even imagine that quite yet. 

Declan remains to be the sweetest, kindest big brother we could have ever hoped for. He’s so taken with his little sister and wants to hug her and touch her as often as he can. As hard as it can be, I’ve enjoyed the times I’m alone with both kids because it means I’m taking care of him again. It’s so much easier, faster, and often less aggravating to have Haley or one of our moms tend to him when they’re around, of course! But I enjoy being a part of his day and his routine again when it’s just the three of us. 

Two kids is hard. I’ve never felt so scattered or useless to those around me in my life. I know it’s only been a month, but I’ll admit I feel a little lost right now.  It’s hard in the moment, but also know this too shall pass and I’ll adjust to it all just fine. In the meantime, I’ll just stare at my darling babies to remind myself that it’s worth it.

Hello, Miss Hattie.

Hattie Bowen was born on Friday the 13th at 2:43pm and weighed in at 6lbs, 14oz and measured 19″ long.

My due date came and went without incident, despite being 3cm dilated and getting a membrane sweep at my midwife appointment that likely put me to 4cm. I went in again two days later, Wednesday, and got another sweep. Still nothing. Maybe a period-like cramp here and there. I was getting anxious about…everything. And my sciatic pain was getting worse by the hour, I swear. I started thinking, I started consulting, I started forming a plan with my wife. This is the post I made Thursday to our local mama village Facebook page:

“Tomorrow is very likely the day. I’m sick of being pregnant, the sciatic pain is now unbearable, and given my GD diagnosis, I won’t get to go past 41 weeks anyway. Tonight’s birth center on-call midwife AND tomorrow’s are my top 2 choices, it’s Friday the 13th in just a few hours, and there’s a full moon up in the sky. If that’s not a sweet spot, I don’t know what is. If I don’t go into labor overnight, the plan is to gently induce labor via breaking my water in the morning. If that doesn’t work, I will be medically induced. I’ve made peace with this, especially given I’ll have my top choice of midwife and know she’ll take excellent care of me and Hattie. But it also gives me some control and sense of relief to know that I get to essentially choose a midwife I love to help me in a situation I was hoping to avoid.”

I took a bath that night and did some nipple stimulation, hoping that would bring on labor because I was still pretty terrified of induction, if I was being honest. It produced some cramping, but not for long. We got a good night’s sleep and I woke up early Friday morning, took another bath and did some more stimulation, but it wasn’t effective at all. I called the midwife, Chris, my Top Choice, on call that day. Another one, Annie, ended up calling me back because she was working with Chris that day (despite being experienced, she’s new and needs to assist an existing midwife/attend a certain number of births at the hospital before they’ll allow her to attend births on her own). I told her I wanted to have the baby and that I wanted my water broken. She said she’d meet us at the birth center in an hour. “Whoa,” I thought. “This is it.” The plan was to have my water broken and then hopefully come home to labor, but Annie called back about half an hour later and said she discussed everything with Chris and Michelle (my #2 choice and the one that attended Declan’s birth) and they collectively felt that since we were going to be “meddling”, so to speak, they really felt it necessary it be done at the hospital. We decided to still meet at the birth center and, at the very least, do a NST and check my cervix.

We got there, hospital bags in hand because we didn’t know what to expect, and hooked me up to the machine. Then Chris arrived and she asked me what I wanted. I said, “I want this baby born while you’re on shift. And I prefer a gentler induction method but ultimately I am ready to have her today whatever that ends up meaning.” “Okay,” she said. “Let’s have a baby!” She checked my cervix, I was 90% effaced and dilated to 4cm and she said she felt breaking my water at this point was a great plan. So she called over to the hospital and within 10 minutes they had a room ready for me and we headed over. I got checked in and settled in the room pretty quickly. Haley and my mother-in-law were with me and at 11am, Chris came in and broke my water. My doula, my good friend Kelsey, arrive shortly after.

The contractions started pretty quickly after that, maybe 20 minutes later. Because I didn’t go into labor after my water broke with Declan, I was shocked at how quickly things got started this time. They were initially very mild and I was easily able to breath through them, talking and laughing in between.  It was such a different experience than when I was in labor with Declan: I was able to freely move around and try out several different positions to get through the contractions as they ramped up slowly but surely. I wasn’t immobilized by pain the whole time. It was amazing.

A few hours later, by around 2pm, things started to get intense. I was on my hands and knees on the hospital bed, rather than flat on my back like last time. It made laboring so much easier, it was insane. I didn’t really realize it at the time, but I was in transition. I was positive I’d be in labor for a few more hours AT LEAST at that point and remember thinking I couldn’t possibly be in that kind of pain for that much longer and started in with the “I don’t want to do this anymore”s. Haha. It was right about then that I heard Chris say she was going to go change her clothes. It still didn’t sink in that I was that close to delivering. The urge to push came fast and strong, as did the urge to scream. And scream I did! My MIL said it only took 4-5 pushes, chest on the bed and my bottom half up into the air. Haley caught our daughter as she came out, less than 4 hours after my water was broken. 

I’ve never felt so relieved in my life. I heard her cry and I heard someone say to turn around and see my beautiful little girl. It was such a surreal moment. I couldn’t believe it was all finally over already. She was so, so tiny and Kelsey laughed when the first thing that came out of my mouth was a comment on how much smaller her head was that Declan’s. She latched onto my left breast all by herself within 10 minutes of birth and has been a champion ever nurser since. The placenta and what was apparently an unusually long umbilical cord came out next and then they had to sew me up. I tore again, unfortunately, a 2nd degree tear that goes deep. I’m healing well, though, and all-in-all, feel pretty good. They tested Hattie’s blood sugar 4 times in the 12 hours directly after birth and they were perfect every time. 

I’m still having major sciatic pain, however, and still can’t walk very well. In fact, we went to Target the other night and I ended up in tears after walking around for 10 minutes. I was so convinced the pain would get better after giving birth, but that has decidedly NOT been the case. I saw my chiropractor yesterday and she did what she could, but unfortunately, my joints are still very loose from being pregnant and adjustments just won’t stick until about 6 weeks postpartum. It’s very frustrating and very discouraging. Sigh.

But Hattie is wonderful. Again, she nurses incredibly well and she sleeps! So far, anyway. She gave us two 3-hour blocks last night and a couple 4-hour blocks on a couple other nights. She lets me put her down so I can eat, even transferred while asleep to the couch this morning! And my brother is here visiting and she’s currently been passed out on him for an hour and a half. Oh! And the other day, she was asleep on me and transferred to the car seat and stayed asleep. Witchcraft, I tell you. All of it.

Declan is already the best big brother. Only once has he exhibited any sign of jealousy. He’s so sweet and gentle with her, likes to pet her head and say “Good girl, Hattie”. He likes to say hello to her every morning and rock her in the Rock ‘n Play, kisses her goodnight, and yesterday morning, even said “I love baby sister Hattie.” Every interaction makes my heart want to burst.

So, yeah. Honestly, aside from the back pain, things are going really well. Haley’s off work for another week and then goes back for half days only through the end of March and my mom and MIL have been so helpful. I know the relative ease likely won’t last, so I’m enjoying it all while I can. 

4 days and counting…

I can’t believe it’s been so long since I’ve updated. The last few months in a nutshell: the election hit me hard and I still haven’t really come to terms with it. I don’t have the words to adequately describe how grateful we are to be one of the recipients of a local fundraiser that will finance a second-parent adoption of Declan and soon, Hattie. I also don’t have the words to adequately describe how angry it makes me that this is a step we need to take now. Declan is wonderful and talking SO MUCH now and grasping words, meanings, and ideas at such an incredible rate these days. He’s a smart little cookie, my boy. I’m so over being pregnant, but am eager for Hattie to stay put until her due date, mostly because I still feel mentally unprepared to be in labor and experience childbirth again. Ha.

You guys, I’m FOUR days away from my due date. It’s insanity. She’s doing really well in there, is super active and responsive. Something that I never experienced when pregnant with Declan, but that is super common with her now, are these strange clicking noises when she moves. It sounds like someone cracking a knuckle underwater. It happens daily now, sometimes just once, sometimes twice, and it’s always with a strong kick or shift. I looked it up and though no one’s sure what exactly it is – it could be fluid moving around, it could actually be her joints popping, etc – it’s apparently not uncommon. It’s become this odd comfort to me and I think if I’ll miss anything about being pregnant, it’ll be that. Otherwise, I’m SO DONE. Exacerbating that feeling is the extreme sciatica I’ve been experiencing for THREE weeks now. All the usual tricks aren’t working, even very regular chiropractic visits, which means it’s likely her positioning mixed with typical loose ligaments in late-stage pregnancy. But I keep up with the chiro visits, the stretches, the icing, the heating, and even acupuncture in the hopes than it’ll get even a little better. Mostly, I just want to be able to move around a little more freely than I’m currently able to when I find myself in labor.

The gestational diabetes has been fine. I have high numbers when I eat white bread, mostly, and when I’m under stress (like when we lost power for 56 hours during an ice storm a few weeks ago and we had to stay at my mother’s house). The highest number I ever got was while staying at my mom’s – I ate a small bowl of Raisin Bran for breakfast and my number was over 180! So dumb. But it’s been very easy overall to control and the midwives are very pleased. My blood pressure has been perfect throughout the pregnancy as well and Hattie is measuring right on target for her gestational age. The last midwife I saw even predicted her to be smaller than Declan was. But all that means the midwives are more than willing to work with me and not be super strict about when I’m “allowed” to deliver. The OB I was required to see made it seem like there was NO wiggle room whatsoever and that if I went one day past my due date, that was it, an induction would be required. And maybe that’s what the OB thinks is best, but it’s NOT what I want if baby and I are both healthy and not in any distress. The midwives agree and are 100% on board with my desire to allow my body the chance to go into labor on it’s own, naturally, if possible. They said if I’m still not in labor 4 days after my due date (so by next Friday), they’ll do a NST and we’ll go from there. They remind me at every appointment that I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to do. I’ve actually found myself hoping that the midwife who attended Declan’s birth is on call for Hattie’s because she’s been especially supportive. She also told me I “deserved” a better birth experience after what I went through with Declan and coming from her, the one that was there to see it, it was super validating and I really appreciated her compassion in that moment (especially since she’s a very no-nonsense type). So knowing, as long as everything looks good, I won’t be “forced” into another induction if I don’t want it has been tremendous is alleviating some of my anxiety. The anxiety I feel about being in that much pain again overall is another story…

Declan continues to be wonderful, as stated above. He has a “big boy” bed now, a twin, that he loves and sleeps in all night most nights. He’s even started sleeping in some, meaning we’ve been able to sleep until 7:30am some mornings rather than being up at 6-6:30am, which is amazing. He’s still not close to potty training, but whatever, that’s fine. He talks non stop and it’s mostly adorable because he really just wants to describe everything he sees and he’s SO EXCITED about all of it. 5 inches of snow unexpectedly dumped on us here yesterday and though he has zero desire to go out and play in it (“Uhhhh, no like the snow,” he said when we went outside to touch it), he talks about it incessantly. I think what’s been most fun to watch is his shift to proper verb tenses and he’s finally started saying “I” in sentences rather than referring to himself in the third person. He relishes calling my wife and I by our first names because of how much it makes us (mostly me, honestly) laugh. It’s actually a pretty smart way to distinguish who he wants when both of us are “mama”, right? I still don’t think he has a true grasp of what’s about to happen as far as a new baby joining the family, but he talks about “Hattie” being “in mama’s tummy” A LOT and just yesterday said “comin’ out soon and I get to hold her.” So that’s heart-melting. He’s still allllll about trucks, trains, and planes. Vehicles of any sort, really. He also loves to dance, loves going swimming, and loves going to “wastics” (gymnastics). And he wants to help with anything and everything these days. Honestly, my wife is better at letting him help than I am, which I greatly appreciate. He loves to help her cook, especially. He’s learning so much from that alone and I love that it’s something they can continue to bond over as he grows up.

Parenting is really hard and I really don’t know what I’m going to do with two of them, but I’m getting more and more eager to meet my little girl and to see how our little family evolves once she’s here. Think good, natural labor-inducing thoughts for me over this next week or so and hopefully the next time I post, it’ll be to introduce Miss Hattie and to tell you all about my positive childbirth experience!

As always, I’ll leave you with some recent photos. If we’re friends on Facebook, you’ve probably already seen them all. :p

 

A rock and a hard place.

Well, today is my birthday. I’m now 37 years old and just a couple months and a couple weeks away from giving birth again. There really is something to be said for having kids when in your 20s because not gonna lie, the reality of being pregnant, raising a toddler, and soon having a newborn in what some would consider my late 30’s is indeed daunting at times.

The gestational diabetes saga continues, of course. I got my glucose monitor on Tuesday and thus far, my numbers have been weeeeeeeell within normal range, which makes the diagnosis even more frustrating for me. I had a midwife appointment yesterday and I asked, if my numbers continue to stay this stable over the next 3-4 weeks, could I request a retest or reevaluation and the answer was a hard no. Apparently, once a woman has a GD diagnosis, the main concern is actually the placenta and it’s ability to function properly, and I was also told that the placenta has a tendency to break down earlier in women with GD. Meaning, they recommend I don’t go over my due date. I asked if that meant there’d be an issue if I did and the answer was, “That’s another conversation.” Which has sent me into a tailspin of anxiety because I simply canNOT be induced again and experience that level of pain. I know an epidural is an option for me, especially since I’m required to be in the hospital now, and while the idea of a pain-free birth experience is very appealing in many ways, I’m super not sure I want the consequence of then being required to stay in the hospital for a a couple days. I know there are many ways I can help stimulate labor naturally, though, so that’s going to be my focus. Especially since I recently found the mist amazing chiropractor ever who’s going to help me with my back and pelvis alignment to ready me for a better birth experience and her office also offers acupuncture. Given that I’ve reached my insurance deductible for the year, I’m going to utilize their services in spades for the next 2 1/2 months.

It’s hard because I’m ultimately not comfortable with a home birth for myself, it induces anxiety on higher levels for me in a lot of ways, so the birth center was such a great happy medium despite it’s connection and control by the hospital. But I’m feeling very conflicted about everything now and like any control I have over my own birth experience is basically gone at this point. I know that’s not necessarily true and I do truly believe the midwife, whichever one I end up with on Hattie’s birth day, will do whatever she can to support me and my choices, but this is all less than ideal right now and is very disheartening. At least I’ll have my wonderful wife, my kickass doula by my side. At this point, I’m just very eager for my baby girl to be here so I can focus on her and take solace in the fact that I’ll never, ever be pregnant again and therefore never have to deal with all this bullshit again.

I will be talking to me primary care doctor, however, about what I/we can do to reevaluate the diagnosis in the context of my long-term health care/records. I’m still having a hard time believing I actually have GD given my excellent numbers and I really, really don’t want the risk of type 2 diabetes being brought up every time I go to the doctor for the rest of my life. Because the fact of the matter is, I’ve been overweight my whole life and likely always will be to some degree and aside from my current PCP, every single doctor I’ve ever seen for any reason has brought up my weight. I really don’t need the diabetes thing following me around, too. So I’m wondering if my PCP would be willing to work with me to show I’m actually just fine. We’ll see.

In other news, my wife and I get to stay in a hotel room all by ourselves tomorrow night while my MIL watches Declan. We get to have spa appointments and eat dinner and watch TV and *gasp*, maybe even have sex without the distraction of a toddler. We get to sleep in a bed all night without being woken up 2-3 times by a crying toddler (which has been the norm lately) and sleep in and be lazy and have breakfast in bed. I can’t fucking wait.

That said, Declan is wonderful and despite his recent attempts at pushing every limit possible, I couldn’t be more in love with him. His language explosion continues and is so much fun. His current obsession, aside from trucks, is Toy Story and watching “Buzz and Woody”. We did swim lessons this month at the Y and he just loves it. November is like the busiest month ever so we’re going to have to skip the next session, which is a huge bummer, but are hoping to sign him up again in December. Given his generally cautious and skeptical nature, my favorite part of his lessons this time was watching him blossom in both his confidence in the water and in his affection for the instructor. Because he’s not yet 3, it’s still parent/child lessons and initially, he’d cling to my wife like a little spider monkey, but by last night, the final lesson, he was jumping in the pool by himself and reaching for the instructor to hold him in the water most of the time. He’s going to start preschool there (hopefully, we’re 1st on the waiting list) in March and I think he’s really going to love it, especially since they get twice a week swimming lessons if enrolled! He’s such a sweet boy and eagerly gives out hugs and kisses. I’m still not sure he truly understands the concept of Hattie and what it’ll mean when she’s actually here, but he asks to see my belly often and will rub in gently with his little hand and say “Hattie in there. Careful.” It’s beyond adorable.

Diabeetus.

I can’t believe it’s been 2 months since I last updated.

Short summary of the past 60 days: Declan is amazing, talking up a storm, still truck obsessed, and still not even close to potty training.

Me? I’m still miserable. But I think that’s going to change.

I received the news yesterday that I failed my 1-hour glucose test. Most of you probably know this, but the normal/passing range is 70-139 mg/dL. Mine was at 208. In keeping with most all other medical facilities, the birth center didn’t even order a 3-hour follow-up test because any result over 200 defaults to “Congrats, you have gestational diabetes!”

It’s really hard to not blame myself. Intellectually, I know that anyone, even the healthiest of women, can get it, but truth be told, I’ve been horrible this pregnancy in that I’ve succumbed to pretty much any and every craving, the majority of which have been sugar and carbs. And I haven’t been exercising like AT ALL. I can’t help but wonder if I’d been better about those things if I’d be in a different spot right now. It makes some sense, though, looking back. I suppose it explains why I’ve been feeling like utter crap for so long. Why I was still getting nauseous after eating, why I’ve been SO incredibly tired still, why I’ve been having headaches, why I’ve been having such strong mood swings. Even why I’ve been craving sugar, to some degree.

I do understand that it’s a temporary condition, which I’m grateful for, and as annoying as it will be to change up my diet, it won’t be that hard. I’ve been afraid to even look at anything with sugar in it the past 2 days, so I hope that aversion sticks. I don’t have a particularly strong sweet tooth, so I really think as long as sweets stay out of the house, I’ll be fine. My wife has sworn off desserts in solidarity, which is truly a sign of her love and devotion. I’ll be under the supervision of an OB from here on out, which is frustrating, and not just because combined with my midwife visits, I’m going to be at an appointment every week from here on out, I think. I’ll need to start checking my blood sugar every morning and after every meal. If I can’t get my blood sugar to regulate with diet alone, I’ll need to go on medication. I’m really hopeful I can regulate it with diet and exercise, but the anxiety of it all is going to be a struggle.

The harshest reality of it all is that even if I can get my blood sugar to even out by changing my diet, I’m now considered high risk and will not be able to have baby girl at the birth center. Given my experience in the hospital when having Declan, I’m really upset about this change.I really had my heart set on a completely different birth experience this time around and it’s hard right now for me imagine having a positive experience there. Especially since if I do end up on medication, I won’t even be allowed to have a midwife-attended birth in the hospital. It’s all so disappointing and upsetting and I’ve had multiple cry sessions about it. I also waffle (mmmm…waffles…something I can’t have now!) between feeling really depressed and being really hopeful.

It’s not the end of the world, I know this. It’s a shift in plans, a shift in mindset. I’m sure it’ll all be okay, but this is not how I wanted things and that’s hard. Especially this late in the game.

28 weeks today. Third trimester. Less than 3 months away from meeting my baby girl. Whoa. Her name is Hattie, by the way. I’m excited to meet her.

 

Hello, baby girl!

Yup, she’s a girl! I’ve been in shock most of the evening, not gonna lie. I think it’s going to take a couple days to fully wrap my head around it, but I’m also excited. I never pictured myself having a daughter so I feel like I’m looking into a future even more unknown. She’s gonna be awesome, though, I know it. Fierce and smart and most likely, have hips for days. 

And on a totally unrelated note, we’ve decided to halt any potty training/learning we started with Declan. Not that we were really trying, but I had underwear on him the other day and he peed right through them and got really upset. Not just bothered, like I knew he’d be, but tears like it was truly upsetting for him. I wondered if it was just the initial surprise, so I calmly changed his underwear and told him it was okay, but he did it again a couple hours later and was just as upset. It broke my heart. I don’t want it to be a negative thing all. He’s just obviously not ready, so is back to diapers exclusively for a while and that’s just fine by us. 

On sex (no, not that kind), doulas, and having an almost 2-year-old.

Hello, blogging world.

In order to write this post, I’ve unashamedly sat Declan in front of the television to watch “Pooh’s Hefalump Movie” for the 837th time. #noregrets

Today marks 18 weeks and 4 days. I have another midwife appointment today and we have the anatomy ultrasound on Monday. Because I’m 36 and will be 37 when I’ll be giving birth, I’m now considered AMA (advanced maternal age, AKA old), we’ll be required to endure an HOUR of genetic counseling before the ultrasound. Basically, we get to sit and listen about allllll that could be wring with our baby before we get to see it. Good times. As the appointment gets closer and closer, though, I do find myself getting more and more excited. Finding out the sex of this baby is probably a bigger deal than I’d like to really admit, because what’s most important is that it’s healthy, but I want SO badly for it to be another boy. That said, I’ve also been spending a lot of time imagining having a little girl and feel like I’m way more at peace with that eventuality than I have been in the past. We have names picked out already, so I look forward to being able to refer to the baby by it’s name very soon, especially when talking to Declan. He still doesn’t quite understand the whole concept of it all. I did initially tell him there was a baby in mama’s uterus – you know, trying to be accurate and all – and that really went over his head so we’ve been going with the whole “baby in mama’s belly” thing to keep it simpler for him. Whenever I tell him to be gently with mama’s tummy because there’s a baby in there, he gives me his trademark scowl and clearly thinks I’m insane. 

Overall, I think I’m feeling better. Still pretty tired most of the time and still just generally uncomfortable/bloated most of the time, but feeling more excited about it all has helped with my energy level some. My mother has been a lifesaver already with all of her assistance, but I still wish it were easier for me to ask for help from others because some days I feel like I really need it.

When I was pregnant with Declan, we briefly entertained the idea of a doula, but ultimately decided it wasn’t necessary. We hadn’t even thought of or discussed the idea this time around, but a dear friend recently became one and needs to assist in 5 births to become certified. She’s one of the closest mama friends I’ve made, so I knew I would both be comfortable having her in the room while I labor/give birth and really wanted to help her out. My wife agreed, so I we will now have a doula present at the birth of our second child. I’m actually pretty excited about it, not just because it’s her, but because if things don’t go as planned again, I think it’ll be a huge asset to have her in the hospital with us because she’s a CNA in the mother/baby unit and knows the staff and her way around the hospital very well. Plus, when I was laboring with Declan, the midwife had another mama she was attending to in the next room and quite frankly, wasn’t around much. I think both my wife and I will appreciate the support of our friend if we find ourselves in that situation again. So yay!

In 15 short days, Declan will be 2 years old. It’s insane. He’s such a great kid, you guys. He’s so sweet and kind, often stopping us in the middle of the grocery store for a hug session, wants to hold hands at meal times, loves to get in our bed and cuddle quietly first thing in the morning. He’s a sensitive little introvert, much like me, and plays independently very well. When he wants help, he’s been so good lately about asking for help and saying “pease” instead of getting frustrated and throwing things. He’s been learning SO much lately and so it’s so much fun to watch his world expand. He comes out with new words every day and has finally started speaking in short, clear sentences. He’s obsessed with lights and fans being on and off and telling us anytime he sees one in either state. He LOVES books, especially before bedtime. The other night, my wife cut him off at 23 books. Usually, the limit is much lower, but she said she didn’t have the heart to tell him “no more” that night. It’s super cute because she’ll read him 3 or 4 and then he’s happy to just sit quietly and look through more all on his own. Overall, his sleep is great lately, with hiccups here and there during the night. He’s still truck OBSESSED and has recently become very interested in airplanes. He’s trying really hard to recognize and say letters and numbers. He definitely understands two of something, often counting 2 things, including us: “Mamas. Two mamas!” My favorite. He insists on saying goodbye to all his toys whenever we leave the house, or even just a room. He says it in this tiny little high pitched voice that just slays me. He still goes out the the barn with my wife every Saturday and loves it. He likes to ride the horses, too, and does so with a confidence I admire. He still has zero interest in potty learning, which is fine. I’ll admit to being afraid of naked time because he clearly doesn’t have much control or even awareness of when he has to pee – or that that’s what his penis is for – so I know accidents on my very hard to clean rug would be inevitable. So I bought him some cotton undies to wear to help with that awareness in the hope that it’ll eventually lead to him wanting to use his potty. He’s now watched a couple of his friends that are the same age using both a little and a regular toilet and he’s very interested in seeing them do it, but when I ask him if he wants to use his potty, it’s always a very clear “no”. We’re really not in a hurry, so not going to force it, but will just keep asking him because much like sleeping in his toddler bed, we suspect that one day we’ll ask and he’ll say yes and that’ll be that.

I still get very, very overwhelmed when I start to think too much about the impending changes that a new baby will bring, and I still have moments of sheer panic when I think of laboring and giving birth again, but I’m hoping those feelings will continue to have less power as this pregnancy advances and we get closer and closer to welcoming our next child into our family. I think having a sibling is something Declan is going to love and I can’t wait to watch his interactions with a new baby. It’s going to hard, but so much fun.

  

 

Theme for baby #2

Spaaaaaaaaaaace. 😊

15 weeks (tomorrow).

Still here, still struggling more than I’d like to be. The nausea is way better as long as I don’t overeat by even one bite, so lots of little meals have been helpful rather than 2-3 big meals. I thought the exhaustion was getting better, but not so much. I’ve also been getting headaches which has been a huge bummer because nothing I’ve tried helps make them better. 

I’m trying to still be active with Declan, but it’s hard. I just don’t have the energy and when I have a headache, it’s even worse. We spend a lot of time holed up at home and he’s watching so. much. tv. and I don’t like it. I’m feeling pretty isolated in general and wishing I was getting out more. I’m working a couple extra days this week, which I’m not at all looking forward to because work days kick my ass. I just feel grumpy and irritable most of the time and it sucks.

My wife and I got to go away overnight this past week while my mom stayed the night with Declan, and while it was wonderful on so many levels, it didn’t recharge me the way I wanted it to/thought it would. But I think that’s just the pregnancy symptoms talking. 

I had an appointment at the birth center this past Friday and all is looking well with baby #2. The midwife was able to find the heartbeat in seconds and it was beating a strong 160bpm. I’m calling Monday to schedule the anatomy ultrasound for 4-6 weeks from now. 

Declan’s current obsession is Winnie the Pooh and it’s pretty cute, I have to admit. He’s not sleeping in his bed all night as consistently as we’d like. I’m hoping that resolves itself before I become too pregnant/there’s a baby in the bed and there simply won’t be room in our bed for a toddler as well. 

Some recent pics: